


Hey Shazzer!

by Toongrrl1990



Series: Something appealing, Something appalling, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! [2]
Category: As Told By Ginger, Bridget Jones's Diary (2001), Bridget Jones's Diary - All Media Types, Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding, Hey Arnold!
Genre: Crossover, Dinner, Gen, Language, Randomness, Shenanigans, Therapy, couples, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-05 10:12:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11011323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toongrrl1990/pseuds/Toongrrl1990
Summary: Our favorite football head is all grown up...and counseling various fictional characters: this time it is Shazzer from "Bridget Jones's Diary".Inspired (and used with permission) by Jose Ramiro http://jose-ramiro.deviantart.com/art/Dr-Arnold-Psychologist-55-251634213 and also by the gag at the end of Chad Rocco's Familiar Faces review on Anna Klump https://youtu.be/wCP5VTrfoR0?t=3m30s





	1. Arnold's POV

_"Shazzer. Journalist. Likes to say 'fuck' a lot."- **Bridget Jones's Diary**_

 

It was just another day in my office when I called in my next appointment, a woman who was fond of dropping the f-bomb excessively, she was referred to by my sporadic (and foreign) patients Mark and Bridget (nee Jones) Darcy. “Hello Doctor Shortman,” said the tall, slim blonde woman with curly hair. She wore a comfortable yet figure flaunting green sweater and wore a black belt cinching her trim waist, light brown pants accentuated what my Grandpa Phil once called “gams”. I observed that this woman was a tough cookie, going by her brows, amused expression, and her lips which could part and deliver a snarky line or opinion. “Reminds me of Helga,” I thought “if Helga was raised in an environment that better nurtured her gifts and character.” I thought of my wife Helga, she might jokily protest that she isn’t some “girly-girl” like this woman and say she looks more like Olga. As I listened to this woman talk about “fuck wits” and “fuckwittage” and about her “Urban Family”, I thought about my best friend Gerald Johanssen. I figure these two would be friendly: they both tell of urban legends with some basis in truth, cynical with no trace of humorlessness, and were both smart and ready with a sassy comeback. But what was with the verbal tic of using the word “fuck”?


	2. Shazzer's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what does Shazzer think of Arnold?
> 
> Also look for "As Told By Ginger" reference?

_“Fuck…..”_ This doctor has a large head the shape of an American football, if Bridget complains about her bum being the size of Brazil, then she’d remark about this doctor having a head the size of the entire Western Hemisphere. His hair is even the color of Bridget’s, very blonde, one could say cornflower. Anyhow, I had a close call when I was found by my boss, cursing after finding out that my copy of _Someone Once Told Me the Grass Was Much Greener_ was going to come a week late. This is where Bridget and Mark suggested a therapist they had saw together, one who specializes in a wide variety of personalities. He is fucking handsome in a boyish manner, though by looking at his finger and the portrait of a smiling blonde woman on the wall, he is certainly not fucking available. He has an honorable manner similar to Mark, of course missing Mark’s fucking stick up the fucking arse; he seems dressed to put his patients at ease. Baby blue V-necked sweater, white button down shirt, purple tie, and blue jeans and his hair frames his face. His fucking clothes match his room: walls in alternating shades of blue, cerulean carpet, a very dark blue chair, a pink easy chair for the patient albeit large enough to fit several people. There is a rounded vase in a melon green with a blue squiggle line and a large green leafy plant coming out; over the plant is a diploma reading Evergreen State College, which granted Arnold Shortman a PH.D in Psychology and as having studied under Professor Bartlett. He is easy-going, no-nonsense, reliable, calm, and judging from the fact that his wife would not be considered a raving beauty but as possessing a fiery and complicated personality, including his straight-forward manner he is not at all a fuckwit. I like him…but what is with the childhood picture of him with a fucking pig?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Professor Bartlett refers to creator Craig Bartlett, who attended Evergreen State College, the same alma mater as Matt Groening.


	3. The Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is the session, it's kinda funny.

**ARNOLD:** Okay Sharon, I'll ask you a question, and you reply. Ready?   
  
**SHARON:** Yes, Dr. Shortman.  
  
**ARNOLD:** Favorite George Carlin sketch?   
  
**SHARON:** Seven Dirty Little Words   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite SNL cast member?   
  
**SHARON:**  Jenny Slate   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite Animated Musical?   
  
**SHARON:**  "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut"   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite Military Term?   
  
**SHARON:**  SNAFU   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite US Vice President?   
  
**SHARON:** Joe Biden   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite David Lynch film?   
  
**SHARON:**  Blue Velvet   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite 80s Film?   
  
**SHARON:** Sixteen Candles   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite 70s film?   
  
**SHARON:** M.A.S.H   
  
**ARNOLD:**  Favorite Klasky Csupo character?   
  
**SHARON:**  Dr. Lipshiptz 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seven Dirty Little Words was a stand up by the legendary comedian George Carlin, look him up kids. You will be enlightened as I was.  
> Once upon a comedienne named Jenny Slate was a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" where she said the f word on live television on accident. She got fired but it did not hurt her career.  
> Look up the rest of this.


	4. Everyone Gets A Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner Party at Helga and Arnolds', what will happen?

**Bridget’s POV:**

Visiting dear Arnold and Helga again, he is very amiable and intelligent without being smug about it despite the enormous head he is endowed with; Helga is intimidatingly toned and slim (albeit has a uni-brow), being a wrestler, she is v. sardonic like Shazzer and always greets me by calling me “Pretty and Bosomy”, with just a whiff of jealousy. She and I do have intimate talks: I tell her about my diary and all the embarrassments I’ve possessed throughout the years, she was kind enough to tell me about her history. She grew up being the less beautiful and favored in her family, she was in love with Arnold since they were in nursery school, she kept a shrine to him complete with a statue of his likeness made of his discarded chicle, and has written all these amazing poetry devoted to him. I felt quite chuffed that someone with her poise and appearance would be as prone to conflicted thoughts and mortification as I am. Tonight Mark and I are meeting with them and their friends, until Rebecca joins us (with a special guest and friend of hers), we will be the only Brits at the dinner table. Fortunately, Arnold and Helga aren’t Smug Marrieds, and from what I gather neither their friends. Alas I will feel ancient with the likes of them at the table.

**Mark’s POV:**

Never judge by appearances, indeed. One would think I have learned that after I had insulted Bridget at that fateful Turkey Curry Buffet, I was blown away by Dr. Shortman when I met him. Long hair and with a rather large cranium, as it turns out, he was soft-spoken without a trace of passivity and was raised by his grandparents. A thoughtful young man; I would say the same for his wife, Helga Geraldine Pataki Shortman. A wrestler, a bit rough around the edges, brutally honest, she is not like many women I’ve known; she does reveal herself to have a sensitive, artistic soul and quite accomplished in sculpture and poetry. Their friends are diverse and very warm, even with their friend Harold, who is dominated by his ID. But what is with the pictures of the fucking pig?

**Helga’s POV:**

Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy, what a dweeb, what a know-it-all, what a stuck-up snob, what a do-gooder.

Bridget Rose Jones Darcy, what a klutz, what a pretty girl, what a dork, if she complains one more time about how fat she thinks her ass is, I am really going to lose it.

And yet….I wish they were my parents. You think that after the many stints my sister Olga spent in and out of therapy and after being friends with Lila, that I would figure that the life of the sweetest, prettiest girl doesn’t look as perfect as it does. Bridget told me how often she’d feel embarrassed by her clumsiness and by things way out of her control, how she didn’t feel clever nor beautiful….it felt safe enough to tell her about that shrine I kept as a kid and of the love poetry I wrote to Arnold. She isn’t so bad, understanding, has friends that she didn’t mix up in a blender….and almost smothered me with the huge bags of fat on her chest! Mark, good guy, kind of uptight, not a blowhard like my Dad; can’t picture Bridget getting a DUI after 20 years of being married to him or packing nothing but moist towelettes for her kid’s lunch. He’s also a lot smarter than Dad, when he isn’t getting that soppy look on his face when he looks at Bridget, same look I caught Arnold with while he looked at me. _*sighs dreamily*_

**Phoebe’s POV:**

It was nerve-wracking when Bridget’s speaker phone came on and her Mother made a rude remark about Japanese people; luckily Bridget apologized profusely to me….I didn’t have anything to worry about afterwards. She was bubbly and cute; I was surprised Helga didn’t hate her. I joke….Helga has come a long way since the fourth grade. I found out that Mark Darcy, a man that I admire from my past studies and whose career I follow, was as upstanding as he seemed from my past perspective. Not as handsome as my Gerald, but as lovely as he is. I loved their friends; Sharon is like Gerald, except he doesn’t swear as much as she does. I only wish that dark haired friend of Bridget would stop crying on my shoulder or flirting with Harold because she will get in big trouble…..

**Tom’s POV:**

That Dr. Shortman is bloody gorgeous, even his friend Gerald, shame they are straight. Their homely, hot-tempered, fat friend Harold looked at me and I was afraid, I had to come up with something to let him down gently. It only turned out that he wanted to know if I was going to finish my meal. Good chap. Then I saw a lovely albeit ordinary looking man: he was an old schoolmaster of the Doctor, Helga, and their friends and he was quite available and just a bit older than yours truly. He was medium-height, average build with thin arms, had a friendly smile, and a bald spot with bits of honey blond hair. His name was Robert Simmons and ended an on-and-off relationship with a man named Peter (why do I keep running into men named “Peter”?). He seems to be a bit of a soft touch and New Age-y, but never pretentious and genuinely kind. We agreed to meet over sandwiches at a café later this week; he tells me his favorite is turkey, tomato, and watercress. Now I just have to get Jude away from Harold….

**Gerald’s POV:**

This evening is about to go down. Really go down….down to what the late Steely Phil called “fiery underworld”! It was an awesome evening at first: dinner was great with this savory beef brisket with gravy, steamed vegetables with some rich butter, and buttery mashed potatoes that melt in your mouth with a rich chocolate cake for dessert. Arnold and Helga own a great apartment, he’s great and she isn’t so bad; Mark Darcy is a bit tightly wound but a cool cat, his pretty wife Bridget had everything a woman could want and was not vain about it, and made cracks about the chocolate going to her hips. My cutie pie wife Phoebe just got tenure and was perfectly relaxed and enjoyed a few glasses, for a small woman she can hold her liquor. Mr. Simmons came over, hasn’t changed and made a date with Bridget’s friend Tom, I even got an autograph from him. Bridget’s other friend Shazzer was super cool, the perfect woman if I was not married to a more perfect woman. Lila was always cheerful and voiced her support for Bridget’s two girl friends as the single women of the group, glad we weren’t “Smug Marrieds”. But, oh, Bridget’s tiny little friend Jude started flirting with Harold…and then Rhonda and Big Patty showed up….things got nasty. There was screaming, crying, threats of pounding, accusations of copying each other’s hair dos. I had to break up the fight before it began and I’m still winded.

**Jude’s POV:**

He seemed to be the only single man in the room that wasn’t a poof….and shared my tear ducts. I started to lean on him, he was so fat and plush, and it felt comfortable. I didn’t even mind his breath and body odor…..then two women showed up. One was leggy, slim like Grace Kelly, in fashionable designer clothing, and shiny black hair reaching her shoulders; the other was large-framed, block-y, muscular, plain with a uni-brow, with mousy brown hair. They both start screaming for me to keep away from him, they are both dating him. There was screaming at me , I started crying, Harold started crying, the large one wanted to “pound” me, the smaller one said my hair do is a poor copy of their own, it was awful. Dr. Shortman and his friend broke up the fight before it began. I don’t have the stamina that Mark and Daniel do, plus they were much wimpier than the large one. These women’s names are Rhonda and Patty.

**Lila’s POV:**

I’m ever so glad to meet Arnold and Helga’s friends at dinner, Mark and Bridget are ever so pleasant and ever so lovely to talk to. Bridget, ever so has the loveliest friends; Shazzer is ever so witty and sharp as Helga ever so is but Helga never said “fuck” ever so much, Tom is ever so handsome and polite as I asked him if he could autograph the copies of his album that me and Daddy own, Jude was ever so polite and gave me information about finances despite being ever so sad about not having a date, I told her that I’d be happy to hang out with her and Shazzer since I ever so don’t have a date, Gerald and Phoebe are ever so happy since she got tenure and Gerald is planning a trip for them to Italy, Harold was ever so a dear; he was consoling Jude and she started to ever so flirt with him and soon Rhonda and Patty arrived, it ever so became a dramatic commotion, Arnold and Gerald ever so split up the fight before it began while Helga waited in the wings in case things ever so got physical. Now I’m ever so excited, a colleague of Mark’s is coming right over with a special guest of hers and this guest is an author, I got ever so excited, I almost split my seams!

**Harold’s POV:**

When I talked to Bridget, she told me that Mark fought over her with his ex-friend Daniel; I think I experienced it for me but I, Rhonda, and Patty are not as good looking as her and Marky. Well it happened to me tonight! Bridget’s tiny friend Jude was crying about some guy named “Vile Richard” dumping her over and over, I told her that if he ever hurt her again I was gonna pound him. She looked happy and she started touching my arm and had one of her legs around me, she was as skinny as Rhonda but much shorter, she also looked like that Moaning Myrtle from the _Harry Potter_ movies. Then Rhonda and Patty showed up and started screaming at her, she started crying, Patty wanted to pound her and Rhonda said that Jude’s hair was a poor…ummmm…imitation of her and Patty’s hair. Arnold and Gerald made them stop, right now they are shooting dirty looks at Jude, even though I told them that I wasn’t in to her, my Mom wants me to bring her grandchildren and all I get from Jude was a lot of money. Marky’s colleague Rebecca is coming with a writer, Bridget told me that Rebecca once had a crush on her. Looking at her, I believe her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch Out Fuckwits....Harold will pound you.
> 
> Also keep this song in mind, I always seem to when I write these https://youtu.be/T-hZhr2k2hk


	5. Third Person POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a tease.
> 
> Also this is the wrap up.

As an omnipresent narrator, I am tired of taking a back seat to this story.

An hour passed and things have settled down and everyone hung out in the living room where Arnold was blasting Dino Spumoni on high, he and Mark actually discussed his musical career, given that Mark stopped listening to most music after 1980 something. Helga and Shazzer decided to arm wrestle, Helga was stronger but Shazz just wouldn’t quit. Patty and Rhonda have tied themselves to Harold, kinky while Jude was being assisted in the restroom with Lila pinning back her hair during puking and wiped off her running mascara. Tom was listening patiently to Mr. Simmons’s theories about child development, with a look of sweetness and amusement in his face, not unlike the kinda condescending look that Mark gives Bridget….I am now told by some Mark Darcy fans to lay off. Anyhoo, just after Phoebe and Gerald told Bridget the Urban Legends of Elwood City, the doorbell rang. In came Rebecca: tall, slim, queer, awesome, sweet, and the daughter of Lotus from _Mad Men_. “Hello, I am so sorry to be late but I have arrived with my dear friend. Please say hello to Ginger Foutley!” In comes Ginger with her curly red hair brushing her shoulders, clothing tastefully showing off her shapely lines without being super sexy, and a nice smile on her youthful face. “Nice meeting you all,” she said nervously. Shazzer stood up and screamed: “I WISH I HAD MY FUCKING BOOK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And that is all you should know right now *wink*


End file.
